You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.