You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.