I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.