husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen