You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
this came to me in a vision
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit