You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
we’re gonna need another temp
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time