@ErinEph: You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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@SortaBad: [sees crush] Oh you're going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
@jjhartinger: If a 4-year-old says, "I'm scared there's a monster living under my bed" Don't reply, "Oh, that's where he's been hiding." I know that now.