You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space