Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.