You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.