You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.