*frowns in Scottish*
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?