You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You Might Also Like
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Cat.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
🤔😂😂
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*