You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
i can’t wait that long
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
It has been 3 years since Monday.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.