You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
The Others (2001)
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP