you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.