You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.