you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today