Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.