@OhNoSheTwitnt: You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you're never coming back? That's how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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@steveolivas: 12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush -- so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth. His protest was legendary.
@OtherDanOBrien: Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
@TitaniumToplass: The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you're fired. WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS? India's tiger population is up 30%!