You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.