@OhNoSheTwitnt: You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you're never coming back? That's how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
@lisaxy424: Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
@DanMentos: "If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.