You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.