You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
🤣
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Love it! 👍😂
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.