“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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No way!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.