You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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My daily affirmation
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
😂 amazing answer
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Yup
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.