You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.