@shawnspree: You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
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@1followernodad: Me: I'm a scorpion. Date: You mean scorpio? Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
@SardonicTart: Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty? Me: Is that water or vodka? Him: Vodka. Me: Empty.
@TheCatWhisprer: Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.
@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine