@shawnspree: You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
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@Swishergirl24: If I tell you I can't text you because I'm driving it's only because I'm also eating.
@sageboggs: Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
@Reverend_Scott: Fun Fact: Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn't like The Princess Bride.