I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*