REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.