her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)