I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*seductively corrects your posture*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃