Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy