@qwajo_jnr: You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That's the sound of someone else's problem
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@daniellebyers: My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too "sassy." So I'm guessing my days are numbered.
@dril: my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
@ArfMeasures: "We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan