I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I feel it
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅