You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.