You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks