You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this