Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…