Stop being racist to kettles.
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“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.