@TheUnseenMe: You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It's called acid reflux.
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@OfficialMizGin: My mom when I was a kid: “Never talk to strangers.” “Never get in their cars.” Me to my future kids: “Here’s how to order an Uber.”
@Jandalize: People who say 'be careful what you wish for' have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
@xysist: If Noah was not holding ' Control ' while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out