@TheUnseenMe: You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It's called acid reflux.
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@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
@TheTweetOfGod: "Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
@Pro_Jones_: Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*