You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Owl Sanctuary
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.