“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…