@SaveItForFest: You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
@wolfpupy: if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world