You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
j o i m p
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Can. I. Help. You.
I feel seen.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today