You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.