“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I am also baked goods
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m not stressed
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”