Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle