You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.