You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
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Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Digital security in Ancient Troy