I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Netflix and awkward silence?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.