You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.