You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?