I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.