You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse