@llvvzz: You know what's better than being married? Everything.
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@EndhooS: Bee: I got a stinger bro! Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I'm late. Whats my special power? God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
@TheAlexNevil: Boss: My door is always open Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
@mynameisntdave: [diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
@iQuoteComedy: That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.