The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
You Might Also Like
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I think about this a lot
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit